is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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