Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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