my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
