hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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