So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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