swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
dude. I can hear the air.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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