So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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