No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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