I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
