She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
