so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i need to put some appletini on your dick
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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