but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
