Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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