Already got asked if we're dating
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How naked do you want me to be?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
