I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
