Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish you could order shots online.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
