A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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