It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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