I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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