Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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