was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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