TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
