wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
