dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
