well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
