have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
