Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
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I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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