We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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