She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
