We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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