Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
