hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
