We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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