just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
