Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
