she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Found the puke drawer
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
