Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
