it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
