I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
either way he was missing a nipple.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He better not be in your backpack
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
