I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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