I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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