Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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