I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
