I wish they made helmets for livers.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
