My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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