dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
