I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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