How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Still dying that you shit outside
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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