The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
