i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
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She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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