birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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