I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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