My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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