smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
