I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
