the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?