i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
