The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
