I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize