Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
