It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
