as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
