I want to walk on stilts...naked
babies were throwing up all over the place
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
