I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
