I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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